To All The Bots I've Loved Before
To All The Bots I've Loved Before
A bot is a software application that can perform tasks on the internet without human intervention.
That's not a typing mistake, I do mean a BOT
This blog space has been haphazard. But as I'm inching towards my dreaded late 20s with some worldly knowledge and wisdom, it's a good place to share some fun stories. Based on real-life events. So the first one has to be the one that put me in a situation where I started questioning and introspecting parts of my daily life that were mostly ignored, not because of ignorance but the sheer lack of purpose. But as I mentioned earlier the 30s are near and no matter how much I hate to say this I do have to start pretending like an adult, without any further delay.
Let's start with the story, shall we?
The First Act
With all honesty, I can assure you that for 25 years of my life, I have never used any of the dating apps ever for the purpose it's made for.
Yes, there was one time back during peak COVID lockdown when I had installed Tinder to see what it's all about, and that too after being inspired by a Facebook prank( I'm sharing that post here for you to check out).
Back in January 2024, I decided to seriously give it a shot. Not Tinder but Bumble. The new hot stuff in the block where all the ‘ fishes’ are.
I put up my best fisherwoman self to catch em (I'm a Bangal by roots, fishes would be the reason for my death, I'm sure of that).
Yes, the internet myths are after all true. The validation you get on these apps is unreal. But trust me, I wasn't there for the validation or the pity that followed.
So a long-time friend of mine had ‘ advised ‘ me to get on the apps and socialize with people of my age because apparently, I've got a soul of 50 years of hermit crab. I followed the advice because it was enticing and I was genuinely curious about what would happen.
My profile was made with some random photos which I thought were decent. Me at the Book Fair, a random Park Street photo, one in Bangalore, and one mandatory sari pic from my best friend's wedding in December (the culture matters dear readers). You can find all those photos on my Instagram, they are basic, no thirst traps.
Responses were overwhelming. Even though I was left swiping 8/10 guys in a row, I still managed to match with 30+ people in less than 24 hours. I have nothing to brag about here because I think girls and boys of my age have similar figures in terms of matches. I don't think I would be ever comfortable with so many people showering attention. But thankfully bumble lets me text first to initiate anything so I did end up talking to 5 people to be exact. My time on Bumble was pretty short-lived. I uninstalled it after 5 days. I will share my reasons and some introspection in the following parts.
The Internet attention had a premature death. I ended up being my own Buzzkill. Because the conscience kicked in. The idea behind the app, to accept or reject a person majorly based on physical appearance felt very shallow to me. Yes, I'm old school, no point in guessing that. There was this fatigue too, both mental and physical. It's tiring to look at photos and then formulate a text engaging enough so that the fish lands fine in the net( see, it's that shallow). The superficiality pricks me hard.
I am nobody to judge all those who are its long-term users and I know many who have found their happy endings here( quite literally they got off the app together, as they say in the ads).
And like every social media platform, dating apps have algorithms to optimize your experience. What I have come to understand from various users and other blogs, girls have an undue advantage in this regard. If interested you could read the following blog here
Did you know that women are 10 times more likely to get a match than men on a dating application?
The Tinder algorithm, explained
I'm no saint so I had my exclusion criteria for the left swipe. You can't blame me for rejecting smokers( I'm asthmatic FYI) but at the same time, all those with a Virat Kohli haircut and beard got X-ed as well. And the shirtless gym bros too. Well, preferences (!).
From the segregated pool, I mustered some courage to text 5 guys. One ghosted me because that's the norm of dating apps. Three turned creepy after exchanging 5 texts ( totally controlling the urge to share screenshots here !). And last but not least, came the man of mysteries himself.
The profile was one to stand out the most. With no real information about the person, apart from those basic physiques and habits, even the photos were unique. Unique not as in photographic values but because of the randomness. In a world where it's necessary to have at least one gym photo so that everyone knows you are a fit person, here's a guy sitting in a field face-down fixing a toy plane. And his profile said he “definitely had a job”. I think that was a winner for me. I swiped right just to know if he was a part of the Kingsmen's Secret Service.
Turns out, he wasn't—big disappointment. But bigger revelations were afoot.
Let's call the man of the moment, Darin.
So my match Darin was a decent guy with multifarious interests and deeply philosophical. I owe him all my knowledge of the ethical use of artificial intelligence( I plan to mention him in my thesis acknowledgment as well, no capping)
So he didn't waste any time to let me know about his little innovation, The Bumble Bot, which is a toolkit to swipe on profiles on Bumble. There's some degree of AI, machine learning, and coding involved which makes it a fascinating alternative to finger-swiping profiles.
I ended up being swiped by the bot because of that one picture in Lal Bagh, Bengaluru. Who could have guessed?
On the surface, I think most of you would find the idea of the bot pretty harmless. No one is getting hurt and it's so convenient. That's the purpose of cutting-edge technology. It's winning the cause. Darin has my full respect for such a genius idea and I wish him all the best for every future scientific pursuit. We had some very interesting conversations and I was introduced to the diabolical world of philosophy (mind-bending stuff I'm telling you and some people are pursuing it as a degree. Hats off to them).
But deep down I wasn't okay with the cute idea of a self-reliant bot selecting a match based on a unique arrangement of alphabets and numbers. And I started to do some introspection.
It's The Question That Drives Us
There was this other dialogue from The Matrix - I don't like the idea that I’m not in control of my life.
The app, the algorithm, and the bot( cherry on top) left me with the feeling of losing autonomy to some degree. I am getting to see a profile that the app thinks I would like. Darin’s bot is choosing matches for him because apparently, he likes girls standing outdoors (!)
What if there was a girl who was standing beside a fish tank who could have been the perfect one ( don't accuse me of whataboutery here)
Similarly, I could be accused of being a hypocrite because the boy with the Virat Kohli haircut could be a decent guy too.
This is the part I dislike most. All these doubts have no proper answer. But at the end of the day, I am reduced to a bunch of codes to fit in a framework. Same with all the millions of users on the app. I find this part infuriating. I feel it's inhuman to negate a whole individual like that. Why are we doing this to ourselves?
For a large part, I believe it's the online validation. Nah it's not the same thing as posting your fit body on Facebook where your Shital masi and 8th grade science teacher comment with a bird sticker.
There's a sense of achievement in serving the male/female gaze and even though the success rate has got very little to do with this. Success here would mean finding the right person and dating them. But what I could gather from my little time there 98% of the users are only for the ego boost and the sense of accomplishment that follows. I hope they are getting it and are happy, because it's a sad sad world out here, so whatever works.
Originally composed almost 100 years ago, the idea of robotic men and women living by the rules was pondered by Tagore in his dance drama Tasher Desh. I can't help but draw parallels between the standards that have been set by us to look, behave, and act in a certain way that is anything but unique (people make the society, so no point in absolving ourselves). We generalize based on haircut, habit, scenes going on in the background, and limitless possibilities yet we make them rigid criteria for selection.
We have been reduced to mere codes and we are perfectly okay with it.
I don't think I would have liked Darin any less if I had randomly met him at my workplace and he sported a mullet because, at the end of the day, he's still the same guy with a funny Bengali accent.
So how about going back to basics? To believe in magic and less in math.
The math that limits your options, tirelessly running the Occam's razor to simplify the diversity and complexities for the easiest way out. There's no easy way to find a good partner. And above all, none of them is foolproof.
But why give away autonomy? Why reduce individual identities to mere formulas? We want to be unique and yet trap ourselves in a system that is essentially about cutting off the rough edges and showcasing the finer parts that are somehow identical in everyone.
Perhaps, the ultimate satisfaction lies in not being the outlier.
One of the nicer folks on the internet had once said - ‘ Collect them dating stories like vintage stamps”. I wish to follow this piece of advice as well and some more on the way.
Enough for this time, the material world calls me now.
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